The Importance of Self Love
As I’ve worked with people over the years, I’ve found a common thread—and that thread is self-love.
Many times, I find that people never really developed a sense of liking themselves, let alone loving themselves. Eventually, someone may meet a great partner and begin dating, but the relationship often becomes centered around the other person filling the emotional void they feel within. Perhaps this isn't even the kind of love they truly need. I often see one or both partners seeking things from each other that a romantic relationship simply cannot provide. On the surface, it may seem reasonable and rational, but underneath lies a deep-seated need for the love they’re missing within themselves. These are adult individuals—many of whom received ample attention as children, sometimes with a parent staying at home. Now, with both parents often working two or three jobs, the foundational sense of self-love is what's missing.
As I’ve begun to explore this more deeply, I’ve discovered a few things that can start to fill this gap. The first is simply finding your passion and integrating it into the fabric of your life—whether that’s music, art, a spiritual practice, or an outdoor activity. In some cases, it may even mean changing or shifting your career entirely. When you’re happy, fulfilled, and living a life you’re proud of, it fosters self-love. I’ve seen people go from having no interest in relationships to becoming fully enthusiastic about them after taking this step.
Secondly, it's important to prioritize pampering and self-care. For men, this might look like a “guys’ night” a couple of times a month or enjoying a cigar at the end of the week. For women, it could be a spa day or a relaxing bath with a favorite book. When your emotional reserves are empty, it becomes difficult to show up for someone else.
A third area I’ve found to be vital is allowing space for mourning and grief. Too often, we don’t give ourselves permission to grieve a loss—whether it’s a personal failure, the end of a relationship, or even a major life change like moving to a new place. In my experience, our society doesn’t offer much support for grief, and it's a critical process that often gets swept under the rug.
Another important element is the inner dialogue we have with ourselves. We can be incredibly cruel to ourselves in ways we’d never be to others. Learning to use affirmations can help counteract this negative self-talk. Examples include: “I am beautiful in every way,” “I love who I am and I’m proud of what I do,” and “I am a great and powerful person.” At first, these may feel artificial, but over time they start to take root—and small shifts begin to happen. Two affirmations I’ve recently started using and loving are: “Everything works out in my favor,” and “I am powerful in every situation.” For much of my adult life, I didn’t believe in affirmations, but in the past few years, I’ve embraced them—and it’s been a game changer. As the saying goes, don’t knock it ’til you try it.
This work is valuable no matter where you are in your relationship journey. In my view, we can never love ourselves too much. Self-love is a beautiful, ongoing process. Whenever I can, I take a moment to appreciate who I am and who I’ve become. While serving others is deeply important to me, I believe self-love is essential for giving to others without depletion. When we learn to truly love ourselves, we may just be learning how to love others better, too.